Santa Claus: Christian Fascist

Naughty or nice? Just who does he think he is!

I’m getting a little concerned for Santa.

Truth is, he’s an old timer. His deeds, though well-intentioned, are from another age entirely. And I’m afraid someone will probably take him down pretty soon.

A hitman? Most likely not, though I’m not ruling anything out.

More likely, it will be a lawyer. Or a soccer mom. Both scary in their own right.

Here’s what I’m getting at. You’ve got this sweet old man with an out of place, old-world mentality. He’s trying to be charitable by bringing gifts to the kids of the world. But think about what he’s REALLY doing…

In today’s man-hating world, you as a male are going to sit in the mall ON A THRONE, most likely man-spreading up there. I’m sure you’re taking up the space from other female elves assisting you.

And what are you asking little children to do? Sit on your lap? While you ask them if they’re “naughty or nice”? Seriously, old man, how many lawsuits do you want?

Even if everything you do up there is completely appropriate, even if you keep your hands to yourself and saran-wrap your lap, it only takes one kid with one accusation to take your whole enterprise down. And are you gonna pay for the dental bills from all those candy canes?

A responsible Santa would ask these kids to sign a release before they hop up there and you’re cuddling with the children of strangers.

And let’s get back to the whole “naughty or nice” thing. JUST WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JUDGING SOMEONE’S KIDS? Have you ever been to a playground when one kid pushes another one down? Have you seen a mom come to the defense of their indefensible little bully who’s mercilessly picked on some other child? Just dare try and call that brat “naughty” and see what his mommy does to you!

You’ll have a bright red nose, all right, with lots of bright red blood running down it to match that suit you’re wearing!

Haven’t you learned that today it is completely intolerant to judge anyone else’s actions, no matter how terrible they are?

Listen Chris – today, no one is naughty or bad, they just make “mistakes”. And if they’ve made a mistake like…oh, let’s say hot-wiring a car and taking it for a joy ride, it’s society’s fault for leaving them in poverty and not helping them enough.

Surely you don’t blame or judge people based on their actions? How antiquated!

And you judge those children by what standard? Don’t you realize that all ethical systems are simply someone’s opinion? So you’re imposing your “white privilege, middle class Christian standards” on people who may not subscribe to those standards, or may not be able to comply because of economic factors.

Also, it appears you give to rich kids too as well as poor. Tell me, is this really fare? Shouldn’t you be giving to children based on their need? Actually, a fair-minded socially-conscious Santa would have a board who interviews applicants and rewards the toys based on income, race, and possibly a good record of community service by the children.

You must take some responsibility, Mr Claus. Do you even know if the kids recycle all those boxes and wrapping paper? What about the environment? I would think anyone who lived at the North Pole would be more concerned about sustainability and your affect on polar ice caps.

I’m afraid that, by today’s standards, you’re just another old white bigot, flaunting your wealth to the world while you force your own paternalistic, inequitable Judeo-Christian belief system on their children.

You’re really no better than any other Christian, arrogant enough to think what you believe is right and act upon it. Arrogant enough to be led by faith and insensitively give out toys to kids you deem worthy, while many others in the world are hungry and without shelter.

We’ve seen your kind before, mainly in the people of faith who make up most of the volunteers in our homeless shelters and benevolent outreaches. But if those same Christians use any money at all to build a church building, we’ll find a way to criticize them for it. It had better be the smallest, most rickety church building possible or we’ll accuse them of ignoring the needy.

What about all the good they could have done with that money? Yeah, that’s the one we use every time they spend a cent on anything.

We’ve also seen those Christian’s lack of tolerance for other beliefs. And by lack of tolerance, we mean they don’t change their opinion to ours.

If those believers vote based on their idea of right and wrong, we’ll criticize them letting their religion influence their vote. Just to express their views and live by them is forcing those views on the community, we’ll say.

And God forbid if a Christian should run for office. Do they seriously think they have the same rights as the rest of us?

We attack you, Santa, for the same reason we attack believers: because we don’t like it when you do good. It’s reminds us of what we should be doing, and that ticks us off.

It makes us mad because, in spite of all our talk, we really have no intention whatsoever of helping anyone. Nope, not a bit. We only want to run our mouths and think somehow we’re going to vote the world into being a utopia.

So until you do it our way (which is to not really do anything at all), prepare yourself to hear from our lawyers. We know you must not really care about people, because how could you have a kind of love we clearly don’t?

Why don’t you come down a homeless person’s chimney for once, sir? You can’t, can you! Maybe you ought to worry about building a house for that chimney first, huh!

And what exactly is the carbon footprint of that sleigh? Answer me that, Mr Kringle!

No, it’s clear if you had a conscious you’d just stay home like the rest of us who criticize the good others do, and do nothing.

Because nothing you or any other saint do will ever be enough to convince us your God is real, even though your actions deck the halls with it.

Nope, we’d rather just sit back and just shoot at the reindeer with our BB guns.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *