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The Fellowship of the Broken

I wrote this several years ago when these events occurred. I can see with better hindsight now how God was working, but I couldn’t then. Interesting to reread it and see how awesome God is when we’re facing our worst. – Dave

I’ve been learning a lot about suffering recently, and I’m happy to tell you there’s an upside…

First, if you’ve always wanted to shed those ugly extra pounds, grief is the perfect diet plan for you! No exercise necessary! Just experience a tragedy and voila! – you no longer have the desire to eat. The pounds will start dropping off in no time!

And if your Bible reading has waned, one good torturous loss and you’ll be endlessly flipping the Holy Book’s pages for answers. Though you try to distract yourself with your favorite TV show or a movie, don’t worry. Absolutely nothing will entertain you. You’ll be a Bible scholar before you can say “existential crisis”!

Yeah, that was sarcasm. That’s what I do when I’m in pain.

Last week our foster child, a three-year-old little girl who’d spent more than year with us, was taken from our care. She’s now separated from the brothers and sisters with whom she’d bonded and celebrated two birthdays. Her frequently incarcerated parents had her moved to a “family friend”, a bailbondsman she’s only met recently in brief visits who just happened to have gotten her dad released from jail.

Chances are this little girl will never see us again. But she’ll regularly see her father, an illegal alien who faces charges for trafficking millions of dollars in hard drugs. We told her case worker we’d be willing to adopt her when her mom and dad were arrested for two million dollars in drug trafficking. Now they both have unrestricted access to her through the bondsperson who has her.

The trajectory of her young life seems almost certainly laid out, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to help her. This is a tragedy, plain and simple.

It’s taken me five days to stop crying. I see her empty chair, a toy she loved, anything that even remotely reminded me of her and I just start sobbing. It was one of those agonizing cries that are so deep your chest hurts when you’re through. Eventually, I decided I’d just try to pray for her every time I thought of her.

I’ve done a lot of praying this past week.

Honestly, I’m not proud of some of my prayers. I finally understand what those “imprecatory Psalms” are all about.“Imprecate” means to “pray evil against” or invoke a curse. Those are the ones that have probably shocked you when doing your devotions with King David’s poetry, like Psalms 109…

“Let his days be few, and let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless and his wife a widow…”

Those are the kinds of things you start praying against the people who’ve taken a helpless little girl out of your protection and thrown her to wolves. I know what you’re thinking, that I want revenge. No, what I truly want is justice – for evil to be held accountable, and the world somehow to be set aright. And in this screwed up world, I realize God is the only one who can sufficiently repay all the evil.

But God seems determined to wait until the next world before He fixes some problems and settles the scores. And while we wait for that day, suffering abounds.

It’s been interesting to notice how people respond to you when you’re suffering. It’s uncomfortable for everyone, that much is sure. We all know there’s nothing good you can say, and when people try it’s usually something stupid like “she’s in God’s hands now”.

Yeah, that’s awesome. I’m sure that’s what they said when that little Syrian boy washed up on the shore of the Aegean Sea earlier this year. Yep, he’s certainly “in God’s hands” right now. But I think that’s little comfort to his grieving parents.

Many of our friends have just tried to be there for us, which has been greatly appreciated. They’ve avoided the silly platitudes and just hugged us, sometimes through the phone from a distance. Even friends who don’t share my faith have been amazingly tender with me, and sincerely expressed their love and concern. It’s truly been a comfort to know we are so loved.

But some others can’t seem to deal with suffering. Some have distanced themselves from us, thinking we are overreacting. Others have a deluded belief that God never allows an unhappy ending on this earth. They “claim in faith” that God will return that little girl to us, making all sorts of careless proclamations on my Facebook page. Honestly, we’d just rather deal with the grief right now than keep hoping against hope.

So right now, we’re living a level of suffering coupled with rejection we’ve never experienced before. And we’re doing what every other person in our shoes does…

We’re asking God, “Why?”

Sure, I’ve read the Book of Job. I know how the righteous man who’d truly done nothing to bring on his own suffering argues with God for over 40 chapters. He challenges God with why He would allow such horrible things to happen to not only him, but to his family as well.

My other little girl, almost the same age as the one taken from us, is wondering where her friend went. She’s suddenly scared when we drop her off at daycare twice a week. She seems worried that we won’t come back to get her, that we’ll just “go away” the way her friend did…

You see, it’s one thing when I suffer. I’m a guy – I can deal with that. It’s quite another when God allows the ones I love to suffer and won’t let me fix it.

Thankfully, God hasn’t walked away from us. Here’s what I believe He’s answering so far…

Answer #1 – You said you wanted to know Jesus. Well, then be prepared to suffer. Because without it, you’ll never really know Him.

This Scripture passage has been dogging me over the past week continually…

I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him…that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death… – Philippians 3:8-10

The Bible makes it clear that if you get to know Jesus, you’ll find He’s a man who knows more than a little something about suffering. Isaiah said He’d be “a man of sorrows” and “well-acquainted with suffering”. Even when Jesus had the power to raise Lazarus from the dead, that didn’t stop Him from first recognizing the grief of Lazarus’ family around Him and crying Himself.

The shortest verse in the Bible tells us so very much about His compassion: Jesus wept.

When you think about it, that was part of God’s purpose for Jesus coming to earth: so we would know that an omnipotent God could truly “get it”. He would know what it’s like to be a fragile human.

The Bible says Jesus was fully God and fully human. And to be truly human is to know suffering. So if you want to find Jesus, be prepared to spend time searching for Him in the valley of suffering.

Answer #2 – You said you wanted to be like Jesus. Well, that transformation only happens with suffering.

So when we pray to Him that He would bubble-wrap our lives against all pain and loss, we’re praying a prayer that’s ultimately the worst thing for us spiritually. All those faith teachers on TV are telling us God will always heal us and deliver us from trials. But instead of bringing us to God, they’re dragging us farther away from the only place we’ll ever find Jesus: at the cross.

We’re praying in effect for God to do something that would make it impossible to know Him. By praying against suffering, we’re praying to be kept strangers from Christ and to never become like Him.

Obviously, this is not what we want to hear. And there will always be voices who’ll teach us an easier way than Christ’s. Buddha said that the whole problem with the human condition is “attachment”. If we can just keep from loving something too much, it won’t hurt when we lose it.

Just don’t love anyone too much. Brilliant advice.

So we distance ourselves from human suffering. We avoid the friend in the hospital, the grieving widow, the orphans who’d bring their pain into our homes. But try as we might, suffering will find its way to where we live. I wonder how many people who’ve avoided fostering and adoption for the sake of “protecting their families” then experienced suffering through their own children? Perhaps God is saying that no matter how we sidestep it, pain is coming for us. Before we know it, it will take up residence in our homes and hearts, no matter how we try to avoid it.

God is relentless in bringing suffering because it does something nothing else can. Evidently, my own heart is so incredibly selfish that the only way to make it like His heart is to put it through an extreme purification process. My heart is so hard that only suffering can tenderize it to the place of empathizing with others like He does.

So if I run from suffering, I’ll stay self-possessed and protective of my own heart. But through suffering, I find empathy for others around me and become transformed to the likeness of Christ through “the fellowship of His sufferings”.

I realize you may see this as a curse, by in reality it’s “the cure” for our selfish hearts and the key to living a life that matters.

That’s because God only uses people He’s already broken. Without suffering, we’re completely unqualified to represent Christ to a hurting world. More than a TV ministry or large church complex, our true qualifications for representing Christ are the scars we bear. Without those, we bear little resemblance to the humble preacher from Nazareth.

Answer #3: You said you really wanted My Presence in your daily life. Well, then suffer with me, and I’ll be there with you.

We became foster parents because we saw a need to bring healing to children from dysfunctional families. I guess we should have realized some of that misery was bound to rub off on us.

We saw it during the last week our foster child was with us. While in the bathtub with our other two little girls, she reached out to try and touch our 2 year old daughter in the groin. When we scolded her, she responded by saying that’s where her biological father had touched her.

This is why people avoid helping others, why those friends are now avoiding us. When you reach out to hurting people, the hurt inevitably spills into your life. I’m sure there are some friends who’re using us as a “cautionary tale” now. “See what happens when you try to save the world,” they say. “Better just to mind your own business and take care of your own…”

Shame on them.

But there’s another class of people I refer to as “The Fellowship of the Broken”. These are the folks who, when you talk about your suffering, you see the pain reflected back in their eyes. These are people who’ve stopped trying to run from the cross and left the bubblewrap behind for good.

God has led them to their own cross, and they’ve embraced it and crawled up on it voluntarily.  They’re ready for it to do its cruel but kind work to them.

Their suffering has somehow made then both more human and more Christlike at once. When I talk with them, it’s as if I am speaking with someone who knows Jesus intimately. They don’t complain like others when life’s little disappointments come. They’ve learned to accept them, because they’ve experienced so much worse.

When the inevitable happens and they return to “the valley of the shadow of death”, they simply turn away from the noise of the world and retreat into the arms of their God. While they never truly welcome suffering, they welcome the renewed opportunity for real intimacy with Christ at their shared cross.

I never an answer back from my text message to our friends. I didn’t really think I would, though I still hope they reconsider and stay friends.

But I did get some answers back from God. Not all the answers I wanted, but it’s a start. And the good part is that even when He’s silent, He’s still present with me. Like the best of friends, He keeps quiet, and sits here beside me. He puts His arms around me, and we cry together again.

When they came for her things, I admit I didn’t give them everything. I kept her little pink blanket she often slept with. It’s hidden in my bottom dresser drawer, as a reminder of her. That and some picture are all I’ll ever have.

But God knows what I’m feeling. And He, more than anyone, truly understands. I am thankful for the time he gave us with this little princess, and treasure the closeness with Him this trial has brought. He’ll have to take care of that little girl now, and me as well. Because we both need Him so very desperately.

1 Comment

  • Offering
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 6:21 am

    Amen. Fight the good fight of faith.

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Our dream house was a 120-year old 3-story Victorian home. It was just a few blocks away from one of the loveliest parks in the city and the same distance from the church I pastored. I could literally walk to work, and did so on many mornings. How convenient!

Unlike the other brick houses that lined the streets nearby, this one was painted light yellow and stood apart from the rest. Plaster reliefs of baby angels wrapped around the base of the house. They represented the children of the original owners, making the structure even more unique. It also had a three-car garage at the back of it. Few houses in this older section of town had one as large, and many people resorted to parking on the street. But not us! On just an average salary, we had bought one of the nicest places to live in the area. 

I had always dreamed of owning a Victorian home. I had performed the role of Prof. Henry Higgins from the musical My Fair Lady right before we moved to our new city. So I was primed to live the life of the English gentleman, sipping tea in my beautiful old house. I loved the old wood, the stained glass windows, and our “penthouse suite” for my wife and me on the top floor. We’d be sequestered away from the noise of our little girls playing below us. It all seemed so ideal.

But it turned out to be anything but ideal. Our “Golden House”, as our little girls came to call it, was not so golden. In fact, our dream house almost killed us, quite literally. 

One afternoon I got a call at the church. It was Dawn, my wife, and she was sobbing hysterically. Finally I was able to make out enough of her words to understand what was happening.

“I fell…come home!”

Almost 20 years ago, my wife had been in a bad car accident that crushed her right leg. That ankle couldn’t turn at all. So as I ran the 5 blocks to my home, I knew what had happened.

When I got to the house, I found Dawn in the basement. She was headed to the washer and drier there, and had misjudged a step going down. She hit the concrete floor hard.

After getting her to the hospital, thankfully we learned nothing had been broken. However, that would be just the first of several falls for Dawn down those steps. We eventually moved the washer and drier up to the second floor, which helped a little. But the bottom line was a three-story house with narrow stairways were not meant for a woman who had challenges with mobility.

I also learned having your bedroom on the third-floor is not a good idea for a chubby guy in his mid-50s. There were a few days I wondered if I’d still be alive by the time I reached the top floor. Though I began on the stairway to the bedroom, I might end up on the stairway to heaven…

Then there was the city. Dawn and I always loved culture, restaurants, theater and all the things a great city has to offer. So living there, we felt like kids in a candy store. There was always some new restaurant to explore, always a show playing somewhere, and interesting people living all around us. It seemed ideal.

Except for crime. And taxes. Many cities are big on those, and ours was no exception. We had both in abundance.

One of our regular nightly diversions was watching the notifications on our community’s “Next Door App” alert us to all the recent shootings and hold-ups around us. One of us would hear gunshots, and I’d watch for the posts to pop up. I’d then calculate how close it was to our home. Many were within just a few blocks, some just down the street. 

We would occasionally get notices of some tax we hadn’t paid. Usually, we neglected to pay because the city had neglected to ever send a bill. Then one day, you get a notice you’re being sent to a collections agency, even though you still hadn’t received a bill yourself. 

Once we got a bill for trash pick-up. We were confused because we paid a refuse bill on time every month. But a lady on the phone informed us what we had paid was in fact only the garbage bill. There was completely different bill that was a tax for just having trash pick up available to us in the city. This bill was paying for the “possibility” our trash might be picked up. No kidding.

I’m sure they’re still probably working on a way to collect a tax on our taxes. 

All of this added together was a painful lesson on the difference between perception and reality. After we first moved to that city and were still living in an apartment, I walked down those very streets and fantasized about how wonderful living there would be. When we found the Golden House, we rejoiced and basically cried out, “Here, take our money” to the realtor. 

But the view from the outside of a situation is always much different from the inside. Nothing is ever quite what you expect…with houses, or with life.

The problem with so many of the things we want is it’s too often based on an illusion. We think a thing, a person, or a situation will bring happiness. But happiness is never found in those things outside of us.

Real happiness only happens from the inside out.

There’s an old fashioned Bible word for this foolishness: covetousness. The prohibition against coveting is actually the 10th and final commandment. It’s easily skimmed over in favor of the more R-rated commandments against murder or adultery. Simply wanting your neighbors stuff as opposed to stealing it or killing for it seems like no big deal in comparison.

But coveting is like a powerful drug. The addict never gets enough. Once he gets that one thing he’s obsessed over, he’s disappointed to realize it doesn’t fulfill his needs and he moves on to something more. The new car he’d wanted all his life now sits in the garage most days. She can’t even remember why she bought that purse now. That’s how coveting works: whatever you get, it’s never enough. You’re always left wanting something else, and even more addicted to your desires.

Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart rejoiced in all my labor; And this was my reward from all my labor. Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done and on the labor in which I had toiled; And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun. - Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. - Luke 12:15

There was nothing wrong with us wanting a house. But it was very wrong of me to think that it would bring us so much happiness on its own. The ideal life and fulfillment I was expecting from a house was unreasonable. 

That kind of happiness only comes from God’s address, not mine.

Inevitably, we become like kids on the day after Christmas. We’ve opened every package, played with every toy, and we’re already bored with them. The newness wore off in a day, all because we were expecting too much from them to begin with.

Most homes stop being dream houses the minute we walk into them. Reality inevitably sets in, and the “house porn” on the realtor’s website is now just a bunch of plaster and dry wall. 

We finally made it out of our dream house before it killed us. No, we didn't run screaming from it in the middle of the night like in the Shining or the Amityville Horror. When we left, it did take quite a bite out of our finances, and we had to sell for quite a bit less than we'd paid. But the wound was worth it for the lesson we learned.

We’re in a new place now, in a much smaller city. We’re renting a little one-story house we’re hoping to buy soon. We're in a little neighborhood where we hardly ever lock our front door. It's pretty boring compared to city life, but that’s just fine with me.

I’ve discovered what really makes a “dream house”. The dream is not the house, it’s the people you put in it. Regardless of the size or location, those people are what makes life worthwhile. 

Everything else is just a dream. And all that glitters is not a golden house.

Our dream house was a 120-year old 3-story Victorian home. It was just a few blocks away from one of the loveliest parks in the city and the same distance from the church I pastored. I could literally walk to work, and did so on many mornings. How convenient!

Unlike the other brick houses that lined the streets nearby, this one was painted light yellow and stood apart from the rest. Plaster reliefs of baby angels wrapped around the base of the house. They represented the children of the original owners, making the structure even more unique. It also had a three-car garage at the back of it. Few houses in this older section of town had one as large, and many people resorted to parking on the street. But not us! On just an average salary, we had bought one of the nicest places to live in the area. 

I had always dreamed of owning a Victorian home. I had performed the role of Prof. Henry Higgins from the musical My Fair Lady right before we moved to our new city. So I was primed to live the life of the English gentleman, sipping tea in my beautiful old house. I loved the old wood, the stained glass windows, and our “penthouse suite” for my wife and me on the top floor. We’d be sequestered away from the noise of our little girls playing below us. It all seemed so ideal.

But it turned out to be anything but ideal. Our “Golden House”, as our little girls came to call it, was not so golden. In fact, our dream house almost killed us, quite literally. 

One afternoon I got a call at the church. It was Dawn, my wife, and she was sobbing hysterically. Finally I was able to make out enough of her words to understand what was happening.

“I fell…come home!”

Almost 20 years ago, my wife had been in a bad car accident that crushed her right leg. That ankle couldn’t turn at all. So as I ran the 5 blocks to my home, I knew what had happened.

When I got to the house, I found Dawn in the basement. She was headed to the washer and drier there, and had misjudged a step going down. She hit the concrete floor hard.

After getting her to the hospital, thankfully we learned nothing had been broken. However, that would be just the first of several falls for Dawn down those steps. We eventually moved the washer and drier up to the second floor, which helped a little. But the bottom line was a three-story house with narrow stairways were not meant for a woman who had challenges with mobility.

I also learned having your bedroom on the third-floor is not a good idea for a chubby guy in his mid-50s. There were a few days I wondered if I’d still be alive by the time I reached the top floor. Though I began on the stairway to the bedroom, I might end up on the stairway to heaven…

Then there was the city. Dawn and I always loved culture, restaurants, theater and all the things a great city has to offer. So living there, we felt like kids in a candy store. There was always some new restaurant to explore, always a show playing somewhere, and interesting people living all around us. It seemed ideal.

Except for crime. And taxes. Many cities are big on those, and ours was no exception. We had both in abundance.

One of our regular nightly diversions was watching the notifications on our community’s “Next Door App” alert us to all the recent shootings and hold-ups around us. One of us would hear gunshots, and I’d watch for the posts to pop up. I’d then calculate how close it was to our home. Many were within just a few blocks, some just down the street. 

We would occasionally get notices of some tax we hadn’t paid. Usually, we neglected to pay because the city had neglected to ever send a bill. Then one day, you get a notice you’re being sent to a collections agency, even though you still hadn’t received a bill yourself. 

Once we got a bill for trash pick-up. We were confused because we paid a refuse bill on time every month. But a lady on the phone informed us what we had paid was in fact only the garbage bill. There was completely different bill that was a tax for just having trash pick up available to us in the city. This bill was paying for the “possibility” our trash might be picked up. No kidding.

I’m sure they’re still probably working on a way to collect a tax on our taxes. 

All of this added together was a painful lesson on the difference between perception and reality. After we first moved to that city and were still living in an apartment, I walked down those very streets and fantasized about how wonderful living there would be. When we found the Golden House, we rejoiced and basically cried out, “Here, take our money” to the realtor. 

But the view from the outside of a situation is always much different from the inside. Nothing is ever quite what you expect…with houses, or with life.

The problem with so many of the things we want is it’s too often based on an illusion. We think a thing, a person, or a situation will bring happiness. But happiness is never found in those things outside of us.

Real happiness only happens from the inside out.

There’s an old fashioned Bible word for this foolishness: covetousness. The prohibition against coveting is actually the 10th and final commandment. It’s easily skimmed over in favor of the more R-rated commandments against murder or adultery. Simply wanting your neighbors stuff as opposed to stealing it or killing for it seems like no big deal in comparison.

But coveting is like a powerful drug. The addict never gets enough. Once he gets that one thing he’s obsessed over, he’s disappointed to realize it doesn’t fulfill his needs and he moves on to something more. The new car he’d wanted all his life now sits in the garage most days. She can’t even remember why she bought that purse now. That’s how coveting works: whatever you get, it’s never enough. You’re always left wanting something else, and even more addicted to your desires.

Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart rejoiced in all my labor; And this was my reward from all my labor. Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done and on the labor in which I had toiled; And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun. - Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. - Luke 12:15

There was nothing wrong with us wanting a house. But it was very wrong of me to think that it would bring us so much happiness on its own. The ideal life and fulfillment I was expecting from a house was unreasonable. 

That kind of happiness only comes from God’s address, not mine.

Inevitably, we become like kids on the day after Christmas. We’ve opened every package, played with every toy, and we’re already bored with them. The newness wore off in a day, all because we were expecting too much from them to begin with.

Most homes stop being dream houses the minute we walk into them. Reality inevitably sets in, and the “house porn” on the realtor’s website is now just a bunch of plaster and dry wall. 

We finally made it out of our dream house before it killed us. No, we didn't run screaming from it in the middle of the night like in the Shining or the Amityville Horror. When we left, it did take quite a bite out of our finances, and we had to sell for quite a bit less than we'd paid. But the wound was worth it for the lesson we learned.

We’re in a new place now, in a much smaller city. We’re renting a little one-story house we’re hoping to buy soon. We're in a little neighborhood where we hardly ever lock our front door. It's pretty boring compared to city life, but that’s just fine with me.

I’ve discovered what really makes a “dream house”. The dream is not the house, it’s the people you put in it. Regardless of the size or location, those people are what makes life worthwhile. 

Everything else is just a dream. And all that glitters is not a golden house.