It’s now almost 5 months since this wild ride began for our family. As Christmas approaches, things are just as much up in the air as when we started.
However, we do have confirmation that God was leading us to shut down our lives in St Louis and move to Knoxville in response to my brother-in-law Claude’s sudden death. Our extended family here has truly needed us, and I understand a little better now why God brought us here. It has been incredibly tough on both Dawn and on me in different ways. But circumstances have shown us why we needed to come.
I’m about to leave the house for my three night a week job performing in Pigeon Forge. I’m thankful to have the income, though small, and to work with people I enjoy. I’m also finishing up another class in my doctoral studies. Got an A average so far, and taking my final exam this week.
Dawn has been working a part-time job at Soma. However, it has taken a real toll on her bad leg, which makes it tough for her to stand for long periods of time. And since our oldest daughter Emily just got a job there as manager, Dawn will probably be stepping aside from that job. But frankly I’m relieved, since I’m not that great of a mom and homeschool teacher. The girls need their mom.
But with Dawn’s Soma discount, everyone’s getting bras for Christmas, even me! ;0)
Our daughter Sarah just got a promotion in her job to manager, so we’re excited about that. She is working hard, constantly on the go.
Our little ones Ellie and Gracie are doing well. Dawn is homeschooling them, and they also go to dance and art classes. They love the church we’re attending (Sevier Heights) and have terrific leaders there. And thanks to my free passes as a performer in Pigeon Forge, we’ve been able to enjoy a lot of the entertainment up here as a family.
We’re all busy, working while waiting for whatever is next in our lives. Am I thankful? Absolutely. Am I satisfied? Not really.
When we moved to Knoxville in the summer to step in for my brother-in-law’s death, I presumed if I didn’t find a church to pastor that I should pray about starting one. So after about a month we began a ministry from scratch, but we simply didn’t have enough help to pull it off alone. After a little over a month into it, with the whole thing resting mostly on our family, we finally had to call it quits.
We started attending another church, and that’s been one of the best things we’ve done here. We look forward to every Sunday now. I even tried out the choir last week and plan to start serving there in January. It does indeed feel incredibly weird not to be leading, but we don’t believe in just sitting and watching at church. You need to give something back both financially and in service, so we’re trying to do that.
While I do have to fight not to give in to fears and doubts about the future, I feel like I’m growing stronger spiritually. With the downsizing we’ve experienced lately (living in a basement and no church to pastor), it’s been helpful to to train my thoughts on what we still have and not what we don’t. All I need to do is look over at my wife Dawn, with whom I just celebrated 31 years of marriage. Or glance toward the two little girls asleep in the next bedroom. Or call one of my other three kids who are still alive and healthy as adults now.
In spite of everything we’ve lost this year, a quick glance in any direction reminds me how incredibly blessed I am! I am SO VERY THANKFUL for how God is sustaining us! However, I’m still a pastor without a church to lead. That’s an empty space I hear echoing most every single minute.
My thankfulness for the “manna” God’s provided can’t take away my hunger to continue in my calling. And yet, while I’m not happy wandering in the wilderness, I believe I can see reasons God has us here.
- In the Bible, the wilderness wasn’t as much a place of exile, but growth. Even when Moses went there to escape, he ended up running smack dab into a burning bush and his destiny.
- The Spirit of God led Jesus to the wilderness specifically to be tempted by Satan. While that sounds like a mean trick to play on someone, it was a training camp Jesus had to graduate from before He could pursue His earthly teaching ministry, and ultimately the Cross.
- Likewise, the children of Israel went to the wilderness mainly because they weren’t ready to enter the Promised Land. They’d been slaves for 400 years, with a slave mentality to match. So it was going to take quite a bit of training in that desert before they were the army that could take possession of their new homeland. In fact, if God had given it to them before the wilderness, they would’ve failed and ended in destruction.
So right now, we’re enjoying our own wilderness of sorts. We’re seeing things from a different vantage point: the view from the pew. I’m just a regular guy now, singing along with the songs and following as someone else preaches.
Yeah, it’s been humbling, but not in a disciplining way. It’s just always good perspective to be reminded that GOD DOESN’T REALLY NEED YOU TO GET THINGS DONE!
So hopefully next time I’m a pastor, I won’t put the weight of the world, of the church, and of every church member’s problems on my own shoulders. They were never built to hold that much stress, and right now God’s church is functioning just fine without me leading. And knowing that gives me peace now, because there was a time I thought it was all going to crush me.
As I was prayer-walking the other night, God actually started giving me a list of reasons why He put me in this wilderness season. Here are a few of the ones I jotted down as I walked…
- God wants me to detox from my addiction to people’s approval. I’ve needed too many people’s attention and affirmation in the past. Right now, He wants me to care only about having His.
- God wants me to stop finding my identity in my calling as a pastor. Right now, I’m significant to no one but my family. And that’s a good thing.
- God wants me to trust He is good. No matter how hard this is, He wants me to trust He has a plan in it.
- God wants me to stop believing only my gifts & talents give me worth. Instead of jumping through hoops to gain His favor, He wants me to sit and learn that He loves me simply because I am His.
I believe once I’ve internalized those lessons enough, God will have another church for me to lead. Dawn and I both look forward to the time I’ll be pastoring again. We hope it is soon, because right now we’re in God’s wilderness, in between where we were and where we’re going. We appreciate your prayers for our family over these months, and are so thankful for each one of you who still consider us your friends!
We are waiting expectantly, patiently (most of the time), believing one day soon the manna will dry up and God will lead us into our future home. Please pray with us toward that day!
God bless,
Dave
